I didn’t know who I was.

Shortly after my 50th birthday in 2022 I received the diagnosis of ‘Anxiety’ plus ‘Combined Inattentive and Hyperactive Adult ADHD’ (Attention Deficit Hyperactive Disorder)

A relentless cascade of traumatic events over a 12 month period prior to my assessment had overwhelmed my yet to be diagnosed ADHD brain.

As far back as I can remember I have always been an anxious person sometimes for no reason whatsover. I would worry about everything. If you had a scale of 1-100 and the higher the score the more intense the worry I would hit 100 no matter how trivial or how important the concern was. There was no hierarchy.

The feelings inside me were very intense and distressing and were always blown out of proportion. To hide this I learnt to ‘mask’ early on and portray a different external image. I also developed strategies to cope with any stressful situations that arose.

But this time I felt like I couldn’t control the internal distress. I felt helpless, lost, confused and unable to function normally. I was acting irrationally and impulsively. I was beating myself up because I didn’t know why I was not able to cope with the stressful circumstances. I didn’t know where to turn and my brain was full of this repetitive chatter that was relentlessly tormenting me.

I couldn’t sleep and had no appetite. At a height of 6ft 1’ and having dropped from over 13 stone to 9 and a half stone in just 8 weeks I became very weak and looked pretty emaciated. I was unrecognisable both externally and internally.

Some of the events were out of my control and some were self inflicted. We have moved on from this as a family and it has reinforced our already strong bond with each other. I’m taking a little longer to heal but I have put that down to the fact that I’m still coming to terms with my diagnosis. I still find it distressing recalling or discussing the events at the moment, so please give me time as I fully recover.

In the meantime a tight hug from you will always be welcome.

However I do want to raise awareness of ‘Undiagnosed Adult ADHD’ and I will be open and frank about how it affected me not only during this traumatic period but throughout my life.

The defective ‘executive function’ and ‘emotional dysregulation’ which comes with ADHD together with the circumstances that had arisen made me reach the lowest point in my life.

I was acting totally out of character and I was withdrawing myself from the World. My ‘spark’ had vanished and I was unable to be involved in any kind of social interaction.

It was obvious that I was not right and that I needed urgent help. My family knew I wasn’t coping. The masking I was doing all my life was not working on anyone anymore. I eventually self referred to a leading Consultant Psychiatrist and I believe this saved me.

Throughout my life I have always been averse to any conflict or sadness. I especially get distressed by other peoples pain. I seem to feel their distress intensely within me both physically and mentally.

As an NHS Dentist who has worked many years in a high needs area I have absorbed my fair share of my patients pain. It is this deep empathy that comes with ADHD that made me a compassionate and well loved dentist.

However this empathy was not healthy and it was draining me. I didn’t try and dwell on it as I thought this was normal and something that happens to everyone and that I just had to ‘suck it up’ and carry on.

Through my everyday actions I was continually and consciously working hard to be accepted in this World. But no matter how much success I received professionally and no matter how much respect and adulation I received from patients and everyone around me I always felt out of place. I never felt worthy of the praise I was receiving and I continually pushed myself further as a way of proving I was deserving of this respect.

I worked tirelessly to try and fit in. I was a serial ‘people pleaser’ and I needed continuous recognition for me to get validation. Validation that I truly belonged to this World.

After my diagnosis of ADHD everything in my life began to make sense. I started to look back at every moment of my life through a different lens.

I am still going through the process of mourning for this lost and confused child…... a  child who was put in this World that didn’t really make any sense to him….. a child who was given no guidance on how to navigate themselves through this ‘neurotypical’ World…..a child who was denied the appropriate brain chemistry to tackle basic daily tasks……a confused child who became a confused teen and eventually a confused adult. An adult who believed he was just ‘winging’ it through life and was just relieved he made it through another day.

How I wish I could go back and give this kid a big hug and words of reassurance and to say to him ‘it’s not your fault’..

When you spend 50 years being an ‘accidental actor’ and then you are suddenly relieved of the role you have been playing so well all of your life, you don’t actually know who you are.

ADHD is a debilitating condition both mentally and physically. The ‘neurodivergent’ brain is wired differently to ‘neurotypicals’ and my brain would never allow me to rest. It has been described by one Psychiatrist as ‘having the brain of a Ferrari with the brakes of a bicycle’.

I had to be constantly stimulated and I always had to be engaged in ‘dopamine releasing’ activities. I couldn’t  just sit down and chill. Whenever I sat down to relax the negative thoughts would begin to harass me. This constant inner monologue was loud and bullied me into feeling guilt and shame.

Dopamine acts on areas of the brain to give you feelings of pleasure, satisfaction and motivation. Imagine being depleted of this since birth without any knowledge or any instructions. Imagine this child entering this World with a brain chemistry that was incompatible with a ‘neurotypical way of living’ and then expecting them to perform and behave to ‘neurotypical standards’.

Imagine being blamed and sometimes humiliated for being unsociable, unreliable, forgetful or lazy.

Imagine constantly feeling inadequate no matter how hard you tried.

Imagine being in a constant state of anxiety.

Imagine spending your whole life consciously analysing peoples reactions to you as feedback on whether you were acting ‘normally’ .

I will stop here as I’m getting emotional…….

Looking back at my life I realise my constant search for dopamine was a survival mechanism.

I had an extremely low threshold for ‘boredom’ and I was always starting new projects and ventures. I was always looking for a new skill to learn. I then researched it and obsessed over it until I mastered it (hyper focus). Once I excelled at the task the dopamine rush would drop and I would move on to the next project which had to be more challenging and more of a dopamine rush.

Since my diagnosis and treatment I have learnt to accept my ‘neurodivergence’.

I was fortunate to have an extremely caring family and also sympathetic colleagues at work who supported me throughout. I am eternally grateful to all of them.

Life can throw some unexpected curve balls at you at anytime. The last two years have made me look deep inside of myself and I have been on a journey that has led me to reevaluate ‘who I really am’.  This journey has often scared me but it has also completely changed my outlook on my existence.

It’s only when you hit rock bottom in life that you realise your true self and begin to appreciate the World with a new optimism and excitement.

I’m sorry if I’ve let anyone down.

I have deeply missed my interactions with people and I apologise for not responding to all of you who have been so kind and shown concern. I appreciate your messages over the last couple of years.

I hope you understand that I needed time to ‘unmask’ and firstly find out who I really was before I presented myself back to the World.

You will be happy to know I’m still the same quirky, chatty, creative and weird ‘Shalin’  (possibly more so after unmasking) but without the chronic anxiety and without the over bearing self consciousness, guilt and low self esteem issues that have haunted me all my life.

I have given up putting myself in unnecessary ‘neurotypical’ situations in the hope of becoming ‘normal’. I now choose how to live my life by always taking into consideration my condition. I now selectively choose the situations and events I get involved in. I also try and interact with people that I’m truly comfortable with where I can unmask and fully express myself.

My adorable wife Sushma and my beautiful daughters who are now adults have always been super supportive. They tell me that they enjoy my quirkiness, hyperactivity and weird sense of humour. They have always said they don’t want me to ever change in any way but insist I keep up with my treatment and coping mechanisms. They are not only my family but also my best friends and without them I wouldn’t be here.

I am still and always will be the biggest kid in the house. ADHD gives me enormous amounts of energy, bucket loads in fact, but most of that in the past was dissipated on masking.

As I unmask this energy is now being focussed on the next chapter of my life.

I have often heard people say ‘‘But everybody is a bit ADHD’’ or ‘‘Its just a trend’’ .

I would like ‘neuroytpicals’ to know that this condition harasses and torments you 24hrs a day, 365 days a year. It affects every aspect of your living life. It’s not just about forgetting where you put your keys or zoning out once in a while.

Sadly, untreated ADHD carries with it some disturbing facts.

A study published in ‘The Lancet’ showed that people with ADHD have a lower life expectancy and are more than twice as likely to die prematurely than those without the disorder. The research shows on average a 13 year reduction in healthy life.

Attempted suicide is unfortunately 5 times higher with those with the condition as compared to the average population. If you add a career of Dentistry to the equation which also has a similar higher incidence rate then we have a bigger problem.

This risk is even higher with women with the condition. Women with undiagnosed ADHD tend to get missed as they are more of the ‘Inattentive’ type with less obvious outward displays of anomalous behaviour. However their internal distress is debillitating.

With ADHD there is also a notable increased risk of having other mental health disorders (comorbidity).

There is no hiding from the fact that this is a serious mental health condition and it affects a lot of the population. Although there is no cure, early diagnosis and treatment can significantly increase your quality of life.

Just having the diagnosis alone can make such a difference as you become aware of your limitations and what situations and things you need to avoid and which activities can help.

I will never be completely comfortable in this ‘Neurotypical World’ but I don’t mind anymore because I have begun to appreciate my ‘neurodivergence’ and the creativity, energy, success and more importantly love it has given me.

It has blessed me with what I like to refer to as ‘superpowers’. But with these powers comes great responsibility (sorry!). And if the condition is not managed appropriately these powers unchecked can spiral out of control and be dangerous and potentially life threatening.

It needs to be diagnosed early on in life as research has shown that individuals diagnosed in adulthood have a higher mortality risk compared to those diagnosed during childhood or adolescence.

I will never know where I would have been in life with an early diagnosis and treatment but I do know that I wasted a lot of my life masking and trying to fit in. However I wouldn’t want to be anyone else and for sure I wouldn’t have achieved what I have so far in life without the gifts it has given me.

To all of those with Adult ADHD who have been ‘late’ diagnosed you are truly resilient to have made it this far. ‘Neurospicy’ individuals are some of the most entertaining, fun loving, unpredictable, creative, passionate and caring people I know.

With the knowledge of the diagnosis and appropriate treatment the only way is exponentially up. Neurodivergent brains are needed in this World. Their ‘out of the box’ thinking and ‘creativity’ has proven to contribute positively to our prosperity and success as Humans on this Earth. You only have to look at some famous and well respected athletes, musicians, scientists, artists and entrepreneurs who have been diagnosed with ADHD and who have excelled in their vocations and made such a positive difference to this World.

My mission is to increase awareness of Undiagnosed Adult ADHD.

I will always be available for any of you who want to talk to me or if you feel  anything I post relates to you.

I’ve got your back, and I always will.

Love Shalin x

See my ADHD video below.